Yes, my title of this post is definitely a Michael Jackson reference.
Although I am solidly back to blonde, and have been for over a year now, I doubt very much that I will ever feel like "myself" as I did when I last posted in January of 2015. I couldn't have known it at the time, but 2015 will stand as a year when my life changed in ways I never could have imagined; both for good and bad.
Rather than relaying the details of the last year and a half chronologically, I have decided to document this time by categories that I think will help me to remember the good and the bad in a positive light. I think even the bad things can really be viewed as positive if I look at the lessons I have learned from them. So here it is, in no particular order, the big things that have shaped me over 2015 and part of 2016.
Health and Vitality
The end of January 2015 was the beginning of a series of events I can only describe as truly humbling. First, I started to experience constant tension and pain in my neck and upper back. I thought nothing of it at first. I figured I was stressed and just needed to focus more on having fun and less on trying to plan for my vague ideas of the future I thought I wanted at the time. I turned my focus to exercise and nutrition as a means of coping with my stress and trying to be more positive.
It went well for a while, until I started to have constant and severe hip pain as well. I tried to cope with it for a while at first, but then decided I needed help. I went to a physical therapist and they chalked it up to a lack of muscle development in that region, so I started doing more squats and such. They helped at first, but the pain never really went away, it just became slightly dulled.
After a while, I started to notice that my finger knuckles were beginning to look warped. They were getting bigger and some of my favorite rings suddenly couldn't fit over them anymore. I joked about getting old and getting arthritis or something. I checked with some of the doctors at my work and they said the bumps were probably due to overuse from typing and such. I figured they were probably right and just settled for not being able to wear my rings for a little while.
All during this time, my neck and shoulder pain continued, and even began to spread. Exercising started to feel impossible and my whole body felt weak and in pain on a daily basis. Sleep became all but impossible and there were several nights where I spent hours just sobbing in my bed after popping 800mg of Ibuprofen just to try to cope with the pain.
In my family, we have a tendency to cling to the "buck up and deal with it" kind of attitude. Despite my pain, I tried not to make it too apparent to anyone else and I just tried to get by as best I could with prayers and Ibuprofen.
One day in June, my wrist began to hurt terribly. It was a couple of days after I had been rock climbing with my sister, so I figured maybe I had sprained it or something. I put a wrap on it and called it good. It was fine for a few days, but then it started to hurt more and more. A few nights in a row, I was pulled abruptly from a fragile sleep by sharp stabbing pains in my wrist. I became convinced it was broken and decided to go see my doctor.
Throughout all of this, I continued to have pain all over my body, and my knuckles were all swollen. Each one looked like it was hiding a large marble beneath the surface. So when I went to see my doctor about my wrist, I made sure to mention my concerns about my knuckles and body pain. I even mentioned to her that I though arthritis was a possibility and that the doctors I worked with had recommended getting tested for it.
My doctor, who is seriously one of the best physicians I have ever met (and I have met a lot), was calm and kind throughout the whole process. She ordered the tests she thought were necessary due to my symptoms and assured me that, though the process would be long, things would get better.
A few days later, she called to give me the results personally. My wrist was not broken, however, all the tests pointed to me having Rheumatoid Arthritis. My Sedimentation rate (a test for swelling within the joints) was off the charts and I had an extremely high Rheumatoid Factor (a blood test used to help diagnose RA). She was happy to report, however, that my x-rays showed no signs of damage to my bone or tissue, which meant we were likely catching it very early. She promptly referred me to a Rheumatologist at the university and told them to get me in right away.
I got an appointment within a week of her referral going through. It was a true miracle and blessing, because anyone who has to deal with Rheumatologists knows that they take 3+ months usually to get an appointment. They said they scheduled me quickly because they considered my case to be urgent. Although that meant my case was particularly aggressive from what they could tell, I also saw it as a blessing because it meant I could get treatment faster and hopefully stop or slow the progression of the disease.
My first appointment at the Rheumatologist's office was a disaster. I was first seen by a Resident who basically told me that all of my pain was in my head and that I might be better off seeing a therapist than a Rheumatologist. That first appointment was three and a half hours long. For most of it, I was sitting alone in a room that looked out over the valley, waiting for the actual doctor to come in. At the time, the whole thing felt terribly and beautifully tragic. I sat there looking out the window wondering if maybe I was crazy. I thought for a minute that I had somehow caused all of this pain by myself. I didn't know how I could have done it, but it started to feel like a possibility. That is, until the Rheumatologist walked in.
He walked in and told me straight out that I had a classic case of early onset RA and that because of my age, and how early we seemed to be catching it, he wanted to move ahead right away with aggressive treatment. The whole situation was a roller coaster of emotions, but I left feeling better, because at least I knew I wasn't crazy. I had felt for months like my body was betraying me. It felt like I was getting older at light-speed and that everything was falling apart, but I finally knew why. Just having a reason, something that explained it, made me feel better.
Over the next few months from then, I started a plethora of medications and started doing research on lifestyle changes that could help manage the symptoms of RA. As the pain faded away with the help of my medications, exercise began to feel possible and enjoyable again. I put a heavy focus on finding a balanced exercise plan and turning more attention to balanced nutrition as well. I felt the need to make sure my body was taken care of in every way possible. I didn't want to let this stupid disease, this thing that felt so out of my control, to destroy me and the life I wanted to have.
I began to value my body in a whole new way.
Rather than seeing it as an indestructible vessel to which I was entitled as a human being, I began to see my body as a beautiful and fragile gift that deserved my respect and constant care. I guess you could say I started to see my body the way that the gospel describes it. I changed my diet to focus more on eating whole, raw, and natural foods. I purchased a balanced exercise guide (BBG and Sweat with Kayla- I highly recommend it to everyone) and began a training program that focused on strengthening my body in a way that would help it to perform the activities I love doing outdoors. I started meditating and stretching more and tried to make sure to get a good night's sleep every night. I started to love my body, both for its flaws and for its beauties.
As a result of this whole process, I have started to understand just how intricate and complex the human body really is. Emotions, diet, stress, sunlight and air exposure, movement, etc. all affect how the body functions. I have started to realize my great responsibility in caring for this body with which I was blessed. It is a responsibility I do not take lightly anymore.
Sometimes, when the pain returns and I can't do the things I love, I find myself starting to hate my body and my disease, but then I remember how lucky I am to have a working body at all. I'm not going to lie; having RA sucks sometimes. Sometimes, despite the care and the medications, the pain returns and makes life difficult and unhappy; but at other times, I feel no pain at all and my body starts to feel invincible again. It is an up and down battle, just like everything in life.
I still hate the disease, and I still pray occasionally for it to be taken away from me. Most of the time, however, I try to be grateful for the lessons it has taught me. Most of the time, I get to be me still. I get to be "normal." Despite how I hate it sometimes, I am grateful for it. Because of it, I have a new understanding of how important, special, fragile, and precious my body is. It also helps me to look forward to the day when my body will be made perfect through the sacrifice and love of Christ.
I have been blessed with health and vitality. I may not be perfect, but I feel blessed nonetheless.
It's been a year now since I was diagnosed. So many changes regarding my health and perspective on life and my body have changed in that one year. It is something I never could have expected. I never did expect it, but I know that it is good. Change is good, and what I have learned from it is even better.
Purposeful People
I have said it many times in my life. God has a plan, and that plan involves people. I firmly believe that people come into our lives, and sometimes leave our lives, for a reason. This last year has been a true example of that for me.
In the last year, my life, and the people in it, have changed almost completely. Most of the people with whom I spend the majority of my time are people I didn't even know a year ago. They have had a profound impact on my beliefs, personality, and outlook on life. I am grateful for each and every person who has come into my life in the past year and for the plethora of ways they have helped me to learn and grow.
Prior to September, 2015, I was still in total introvert mode. I am an introvert by nature, preferring time to myself to help prepare for or recover from social interactions with large groups of people. I tend to do better in small group settings, or on my own. However, after returning home from my mission, I became like a hyper-introvert. I spent pretty much all my time with family, alone, or one on one with old friends.
Understandably, I was a little hesitant in August, 2015, when the time came for me to move once again away from home. I knew I needed to find not only a house I was comfortable with, but people I would be comfortable around as well. My search was short and sweet, and I have to say, I definitely hit the jackpot. I found the best roommates, and they have become some of my best friends and examples. It still feels crazy to think that I haven't known them my whole life. They truly are kindred spirits.
I also feel immensely lucky to have been in their lives at the time when I got to witness two of them find their eternal life partners and all the happiness that comes with that experience. It has helped to give me a positive outlook on my future as well.
I had never lived with LDS people before-- aside from my family and mission companions-- so I knew the experience would be interesting and very different. I don't know whether it was just living with people who shared my same beliefs, or if it really came down to just those particular individuals, but living with KC and Kara, and now Suzanne, has absolutely made me a better person. They have helped to strengthen and grow my testimony. They have boosted my confidence in being social. They have helped me through stressful times in deciding my future. They have supported me through random mishaps and have shown me new levels of friendship and compassion. They came to me at the perfect time; just when I needed them most. I didn't even know I needed them, but I am eternally grateful to know them.
With their guiding influence, I have stepped way outside of my comfort zone. In the last year, I have gone on more dates, more trips with friends, more social gatherings, and made more friends than I think I ever did in the rest of my life combined; and considering how many places I have lived and how many different people I have met, that is saying a lot!
Going through and mentioning everyone I feel has influenced me this last year would be impossible because there are just too many; but I truly am grateful for each and everyone of them. Through their example I have learned to be a better listener, to show more kindness and respect to those around me, to reach out in kindness more, to judge less and love more, to look for the good, and to see the good in myself as well.
Without the support and encouragement of my friends this past year, I might never have had the confidence to make the life changing decision to go to grad school; which I am sure will bring more purposeful people into my life in due time.
With all of that being said, I know that some of the amazing people I have met will fall out of my life when I leave for school. That has come to be the natural process of friendships in my life. Some come just exactly when I need them, and then float away when they are not longer necessary or sustainable. Others come into my life at the perfect time, are solidified as eternal, and continue on with me no matter what. They are there through distance and whatever other circumstances life may bring. I cherish them both.
I am confident that even through the next set of changes, the people who are meant to continually influence me and who, in turn, need my influence as well will remain my friends and maintain contact with me while I am away.
The relationships we have here will indeed be continued into eternity. God has put the people I need in my path, and I know I am blessed to have them with me in this mortal journey.
An Education
As a sixteen year old, I received my patriarchal blessing (a special blessing given to members of the LDS church which contains guidance and promises from a loving Heavenly Father). My blessing contains a promise that I will be blessed in my educational pursuits. As a teenager, I never really understood what that promise meant, but as I have grown and progressed in school and in life, it has come to fruition in more ways than I ever expected.
Every time I think that promise has been fulfilled, I am surprised with new educational opportunities; each of which has been a blessing singularly, but when compounded, such opportunities have given me a lifetime of satisfaction with that promise. The newest opportunity and pursuit in which I have been blessed is in regards to graduate school.
I always knew I would go to college, but as I reached the end of high school, I began to look farther ahead in regards to my education. Before I turned 18, I came to the conclusion that college alone was not likely to satisfy my hunger for knowledge and learning. Both my parents obtained degrees beyond the baccalaureate level and I made the decision that I would as well. However, after graduating from college, I was still unsure of what I wanted to pursue for a Master's degree.
Finally, last summer, after much thought and prayer, I made a decision about what I wanted to study and went about searching for universities that would lead to the degree and possible careers I desired. I eventually narrowed it down to three schools, submitted my applications, and then proceeded to wait for news of my future.
The day that my first acceptance letter came in was a dreary, typical winter day. I went into work, rather than going skiing like I wanted to, and started browsing through my work emails. After a few minutes, I decided to check my personal emails on my phone. The first one listed in my inbox was from the admissions office at Oxford.
I hesitated to open it. I was terrified. What if I didn't get in? What if I did get in? Both options seemed equally scary. When I finally tapped to open the email, I read it, but didn't really comprehend it. I think I read it through three times before it finally made sense. My application was considered to be of a commendable standard and a formal letter of acceptance would be sent to me within the week. My mind was blown. I had applied, sure, but I don't think I had ever actually expected to be accepted. Apparently my family was of the same mind because most of them didn't believe me at first when I called to tell them.
Weeks later, I received my acceptance letters from the other two schools to which I had applied as well. The whole experience was extremely humbling, and it continues to be humbling as I make preparations to leave and start school this fall. There were many factors leading up to deciding which school would be best suited for me, but I finally came to the conclusion that Oxford was the place for me.
Since making my final decision, it has been amazing to see how things have started to fall into place. I know that God has a guiding hand in my life, and recently, I have felt his influence in all of my decisions, especially those regarding school. I know that things will work out as they are meant to, and I look forward to the amazing education, experiences, community, etc. that await me in England.
As I said, this last year and a half has been a bit of a whirlwind. So many things have happened in such a short amount of time. At times, my life has felt a little surreal. Changes I never expected have come at almost every turn, but I have tried to embrace them. Sometimes, it is the people or things that I least expect that make the biggest and best differences.
New adventures are coming, and as I will be out of the country, I will try to post pictures and keep people updated on all that is happening. Just as a side note though, Instagram really is the quickest way to keep up to date on my life and everything that is happening as it is the place I post most often. I am sure I will have lots to post as well because I have always dreamed of living in Europe for some portion of my life, so I will probably want to document every moment I can.
Living in England will be a dream come true. I am sure there will be a lot of unknowns that will come out of it, but I hope that I will at least come home having fulfilled two dreams: obtaining a graduate degree, and having lived for at least a year in a European country.
I think the odds are in my favor.
